I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."