I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.