I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'