Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."