Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".