Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.