Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".