Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.