I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then