So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."