So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".