My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'