My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.