So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.