A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'