A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.