A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.