Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.