But here's the thing about being honest: All the liars HATE you for it, and most of the people in the world are liars. They lie to their bosses, they lie to their families, they lie to themselves, they lie so much they don't even know they're lying anymore. If you have the courage to be honest even a little bit all those people will hate you for it, because their lie is reflected in your honesty. Oscar Wilde wasn't kidding when he said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.