To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)

Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.

No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second.

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.