The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.