The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about.

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.