The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.

Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.