If you read the book, you're not a journalist. You're some impostor! No journalist actually does any work.

You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you.

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.