The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.