You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

Opinions are projections.

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.