Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

The dumbest women I hooked up with were in Florida. I lived in Florida for a year... and it was just shocking. I literally felt like after living there for a couple months that I had become stupider. It was unbelievable. If you read the stories on my site that are based around crazy women, about 75 percent of those women were in Florida… and I only lived there for a year.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.