Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

Failure instructs, failure improves. Failure shouldn't deter you.

To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.