Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.