Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don't do anything-create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy-for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn't exist, we'd still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact; if you understand it, you understand men.

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.