I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.