Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.