It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

...the elephant smoked too much.