Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.