I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

...the elephant smoked too much.

I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.