And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!

A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.