And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose . to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.