(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.
Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.
In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.