My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found that in a precarious situation, a smile is the shortest distance between people. When one needs to reach out for sympathy or a link with people, what better way is there?

The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.