When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

...the elephant smoked too much.