The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)