Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.