Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers