I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

My mother, she didn't believe in praise. She'd never say anything was great. I think that's quite Northern, to not make people feel too good. I didn't mind if she was proud of me or not, it didn't bother me. I was never trying to please her.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.