I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

My massage was marvellous. I feel really relaxed. And my masseur, Harold :You can't have a masseur called Harold. It's like having a member of the Royal Family called Ena.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.