Victoria Wood Quotes

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

In my 20s I was going round seeing agents who were patronising because I was fat and a girl, which was a double whammy. I knew what it was to feel out-of-the-loop.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].

I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.

I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, reconnect with the people they were then, they can suddenly revive their emotions.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

My mother, she didn't believe in praise. She'd never say anything was great. I think that's quite Northern, to not make people feel too good. I didn't mind if she was proud of me or not, it didn't bother me. I was never trying to please her.

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?

Music enriches people's lives in the same way paintings and literature do. Everybody deserves that.

Well, I think there's not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends.

People always think I hate doing interviews. I don't. I wouldn't do them if I didn't like them.

You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

My massage was marvellous. I feel really relaxed. And my masseur, Harold :You can't have a masseur called Harold. It's like having a member of the Royal Family called Ena.