You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

In my 20s I was going round seeing agents who were patronising because I was fat and a girl, which was a double whammy. I knew what it was to feel out-of-the-loop.