You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

In my 20s I was going round seeing agents who were patronising because I was fat and a girl, which was a double whammy. I knew what it was to feel out-of-the-loop.

In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.