I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.