I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.