In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.