In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.

I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.