Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

Well, I think there's not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.