Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, reconnect with the people they were then, they can suddenly revive their emotions.