I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

I'm really funny now.

I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?