I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

With all our crime and all our immorality ... and about as much contentment and respose as a fresh-caged hyena, we go to tell the whole world: we are the only one with the right idea!