The South is dry and will vote dry. That is, everybody that is sober enough to stagger to the polls will.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

If you live right, death is a joke to you as far as fear is concerned.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

The good old horse-and-buggy days: then you lived until you died and not until you were run over.