The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

I never met a man that I didn't like.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

We're all ignorant, just about different stuff.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.