Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.

You know, a Communist's whole life work is based on complaint of how everything is done.... So if they ever get their country running good they will defeat their own cause.

Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.

There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.