Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Harvard students have completed more English courses and less forward passes than any school in this generation.

People want just taxes more than they want lower taxes. They want to know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to his wealth.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

You know, a Communist's whole life work is based on complaint of how everything is done.... So if they ever get their country running good they will defeat their own cause.