Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.

Texas is a great state. It's the 'Old Man River' of states. No matter who runs it or what happens to it politically, it just keeps rolling along!

There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.

The US is safest when Congress is in recess.