There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

One way to solve the traffic problem is to keep all the cars that are not paid for off the streets.

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.

In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.

I like to hear a man talk about himself because then I never hear anything, but good.