There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.

If Wall Street paid a tax on every “game” they run, we would get enough revenue to run the government on.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.