Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

There is a terrible lot of us who don't think that we come from a monkey, but if there are some people who think that they do, why, it's not our business to rob them of what little pleasure they might get out of imagining it.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.