The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I'll bet he can't invent a good meal out of one.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.