The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.

Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

A woman can make a man feel older or younger than his years if she so chooses. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. Women were made with a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them.

There is one thing about Englishmen, they won't fix anything till it's just about totally ruined. You couldn't get the English to fix anything at the start. No! They like to sit and watch it grow worse. Then, when it just looks like the whole thing has gone up Salt Creek, why, the English jump in and rescue it.